Narcissistic vs Avoidant Behaviour

Narcissism is fuelled by ego protection and power dynamics. Avoidance is fuelled by fear of vulnerability and emotional overstimulation.

They can look similar at first glance — both create distance — but the emotional tone is different: narcissism feels manipulative; avoidant feels scared or distant

Motivations in Relationships
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Patter
Core Drive	Protect ego, maintain superiority, avoid shame	Protect heart, avoid emotional pain or rejection
Emotional needs	Admiration, validation, control	Space, autonomy, predictability
View of Closeness	Threatens their independence or exposes flaws	Feels overwhelming or unsafe

During Conflict
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Pattern
Response Style	Blames, deflects, or belittles; rarely self reflects	Withdraws, shuts down, goes quiet to self soothe
Goal	“Win” the argument OR preserve self image	Reduce tension, escape emotional flooding
Apologies	Often conditional or manipulative	May want to apologize but struggles to find the words

Emotional Intimacy
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Pattern
Initial Connection	Intense, charming, idealizing	Reserved, slow to open up
When emotions deepen	Devalues partner, pulls away, or tests loyalty	Feels smothered, distances to breath
Empathy	Can preform empathy but it’s inconsistent	Has empathy, but avoids expressing it

After a Break or Hurtful Event
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Pattern
Remorse	May feel sorry for themselves or the loss of “supply”	Feels genuine guilt but hides it under silence
Growth Potential	Possible, but only with deep self reflection and NPD therapy	Often able to heal with safety and secure attachment

How others Typically Feel Around You
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Pattern
Their Emotional State	Drained, confused, unseen, doubting themselves	Lonely, rejected, but not devalued
The Cycle	Idealize —> Devalue —> Discard —> Repeat	Connect—> Retreat—> Reconnect —> Retreat

Recognizing Your Own Patterns
	Narcissistic Pattern	Avoidant Pattern
Typical Inner Question	How does this affect me? How am I seen?	“Will I get hurt if I show too much?”
Behaviour in Relationships	Seeks admiration, controls or manipulates, struggles to apologize, blaming others	Keeps distance, withdraws emotionally, hesitates to commit, or avoids conflict
Red Flags You May Notice Yourself	Justifying hurtful behaviour, feeling entitled, repeating cycles of devaluing others	Feeling anxious about closeness, needing too much space, difficulty expressing feelings
Signs You’re Self-Aware	Catching yourself before reacting defensively, asking how actions effect others	Noticing avoidant patterns, checking in with your feelings, deliberately staying present in discomfort
Questions to reflect on	“Am I prioritizing my ego over someone else’s wellbeing?” “Do I avoid responsibility for my impact?”	“Am I running from intimacy or conflict?” “Am I valuing connection enough to risk discomfort?”

Is it Possible to Heal — Yes

The following charts serve as roadmaps for personal growth. They are designed to help you identify behavioural patterns, understand the underlying fears or defuses, and track real change over time.

Pathways to Healing
	Narcissistic Traits/ NPD	Avoidant Traits
Core Challenge	Fragile self-esteem, fear of shame, self-centred defensive patterns	Fear of vulnerability, rejection, emotional overwhelm
Starting Point  for Healing	Admit patterns of hurting others, acknowledge shame and fear	Recognize avoidance patterns, notice fear of closeness
Therapeutic Focus	Long-term therapy (psychodynamic, schema, trauma focused), empathy training	Therapy for attachment mindfulness, emotional regulation, gradual exposure to intimacy
Key Practices	Accountability exercises Journalling about emotions and impact on others Developing authentic empathy Practicing humility	Journalling about fears and triggers. Gradual vulnerability with safe people Mindfulness to tolerate emotional discomfort Learning to ask for support
Signs of Progress	Apologizing without manipulation, noticing impact on others, tolerates shame, showing consistent empathy	Can tolerate closeness without retreating, communicates feelings clearly, asks for help, balances independence with connection
Potential Pitfalls	Preforming change without feeling it, reverting under stress	Retreating again under fear, over-relying on self-protection, avoiding confilct

Developing Authentic Empathy

Developing authentic empathy is a gradual process that starts with self-awareness and emotional honesty. Before you can deeply understand someone else, you must recognize your own feelings, triggers and biases, because these shape how you interpret other’s experiences. The next step is active, attentive listening — putting aside your assumptions, judgements, and the urge to provide advice or fix problems. Truly empathic listening involves observing verbal and nonverbal cues, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting back what you hear to confirm understanding. Cultivating curiosity and imaginations about another person’s inner world allows you to experience, in a limited way, what they may be feeling, even if it’s different from your own reality. Equally important is emotional regulation: being present with someone else’s pain or joy without becoming overwhelmed, defensive, or dismissive. Practicing consistent validation — acknowledging someone’s emotions as real and meaningful — helps build trust and deepens connection. Over time, empathy becomes a natural response, not a calculated skill, and it transforms relationships by creating mutual understanding, compassion, and respect.

Healing Guide for Avoidance:

1.Pause the Patterns, Name the Dynamic

Start by naming what’s been happening without blame . For example:

When you pull away, your partner feels abandoned, and when they react it confirms your fear of being overwhelmed. Start with recognizing the loop allowing both partners to step outside of it and choose a different path.

2. Rebuild Emotional Safety First

Before deep conversations or apologies, focus on creating a sense of calm connection. That could mean:

• Sitting together quietly, holding hands, breathing

• A walk without “relationship talk”, just being near each other.

• A silent barefoot walk through the forest together is both grounding and allows the nervous system to reset.

Safety must come first before vulnerability.

• 3. The Avoidant Partner’s Healing Work

  
  

  Practice staying present during discomfort —even for a few minutes longer than usual. It gets easier with time and consistency.

• Use grounding techniques (deep breathing, slow touch, short affirmations like "Im safe to stay")

• Express feelings even if they're brief (" I feel tense", "I'm afraid you'll be upset")

Everytime they stay instead of shutting down, healing begins.

4.The Avoidant Partner's Healing Work

• Practice regulating emotions without needing immediate reassurance.

• Instead of mirroring anger, try reflecting needs: " When you pull away, I need reassurance, not space."

• Protect your energy – grounding, journaling, or time in nature helps you separate what's yours from what energy you absorb.

5.Shared Rituals for Repair

• Weekly check-ins: Gentle, short, focused on "What's one thing that felt good this week?" and "What's one small thing we could do differently?"

• Physical Reconnection: Eye contact, Hugging for 30 seconds, or lying together in silence.

• Accountability with Compassion: The avoidant acknowledges neglect; the avoidant's partner acknowledges reactive anger – both commit to showing up differently without shame.

6.Forgive Through Understanding, not Amnesia

• Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It means seeing the wound beneath the behaviour:

  • The avoidant learned to protect themselves through distance.

  • The avoidant's partner learned to protect themselves through intensity.

• Both were trying to survive. Now they can learn to thrive.

The Safe Return Healing Ritual (20-30 minutes)

Step 1: Ground the Nervouse Systems First (3 minutes)

Sit side by side(not facing each other yet)

• Place one hand on your heart, one on your belly,

• Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds and out through your mouth for 6 seconds,

• Do this together, silently

This signals safety to the Avoidant's nervous system and steadies the Avoidant Partener's emotional field.

Step 2: Turn Toward Each Other – Eye Contact Without Talking (1 minute)

No fixing, no explaining. Just seeing.

If eye contact feels intense soften your gaze or look at the space bewtween the eyes. This step rebuilds presence, not performance.

Step 3: Structured Sharing (No interruptions)

The Avoidant Partner speaks first. This will help prevent the shut down later.

They say only this (slowly):

"When I pull away, it's usually because I feel______. What I'm afraid of in those moments is _______. I'm learning that staying present is safer than leaving"

That's it. No defense. No explanations. The Avoidant's Partner only listens. Take a moment to reflect on what the Avoidant has said. Then respond with:

"What I hear you saying is _________. I don't need you to be perfect – I need you to stay."

No anger. No history. Just reflection.

The Avoidant's Partner speaks next. They say:

"When you pull away, my body feels ________. What I need most in the moments

is ________. I'm working on expressing pain without turning it into anger."

Avoidant Partner only listens and reflects on what their partner has just told them, and respond with:

"What I hear you saying is _______. I can see how my distance has effected you."

No fixing, just acknowledgement.

Step 4: Mutual Accountability (Short + Powerful)

Each partner says on sentence only:

Avoidant:

"One thing I will practice is staying present even when I'm uncomfortable."

Avoidant Partner:

"One thing I will practice is pausing before reacting when I feel abandoned."

This step creates hope without overwhelm.

Step 5: Repair Through Touch (2 minutes)

Choose one:

• 30-60 second hug (full body, slow breathing together),

• Holding hands with foreheads touching, or

• Sitting with legs touching in silence

Touch rewires what words cannot.

Aftercare (very important)

Do not process more afterward. Do something grounding together, like:

• Having a cup of herbal tea together

• Go for a walk

• Listen to some quiet music as you reflect on the moment

• Take a nap or go to bed early

Integration happens when we rest.

One Rule Going Forward:

When old patterns start again, either partner can say:

"can we pause the loop?"

That phrase is not rejection – its protection

This relationship dynamic doesnt mean the relationship isn't broken beyond repair. It means two wounded nervous systems learned opposite survival strategies – distance and intensity.

With safety, presence, and structure, both can soften.